Complicated

Thanks for all your advice guys, I really appreciate it. I just got back about an hour and a half ago :-P

I had a lot of fun. I got there and we made dinner, well, he made dinner and I kind of stood and watched and helped a little bit. We ate and it was pretty good. I had brought him a box of chocolates as a sort of thank you for the past two times we had met. We watched a little TV and then he had to make a pie for some pie making contest at work. He kind of freaked out because the crust didn't bake right. It didn't bake at all really, it kind of fell apart. Then we watched some more TV and all of a sudden it was 2am, so I spent the night again.

I didn't end up asking him about us, or if there even is an "us", but I'm even more confused now. While we were watching TV he asked me if I'd ever had a boyfriend. Just out of nowhere. So of course I start over-thinking it. Was he just trying to make conversation? Is he trying to hint at something?

Why are boys so complicated?

So here's the story...

I have a little dilemma involving a boy...

I met him online, well he's 23 so I guess he's a man. We chatted for a while online and he seemed like a nice guy. Last weekend we finally met. We went to a wind ensemble concert at his old school (Boston College) and afterwards we went to a post-concert band party, because he used to be in the band and he was still friends with most of the people still in it. It was a lot of fun, I didn't drink at all because I don't drink, but it was still fun. It got late and we left around 2am, and by that time the T was closed for the night so I obviously wasn't going home (I hate cabs, they scare the shit out of me). So we went back to his place. I spent the night and we shared a few intimate moments. I won't go into details, but I will say that we didn't go all the way. In the morning we showered and he made (or at least attempted to make) pancakes and we watched a movie before I had to go home around 4pm so I could finish some homework.

The next week (this past week) we texted a lot and then on Friday I wasn't feeling well at all. I hadn't been able to sleep (it was the Twilight movie premier and college girls are really loud) and I was feeling really sick. Anyway, he surprised me by offering to stop by my dorm and bring me chicken noodle soup on his way home from work. I'm not really on his way home, but I'm not too far out of his way. We're on the same T line, but he's on the D branch and I'm on the E, so maybe a 15-20 minute walk extra? Anyway, he brought me soup and we ate together and talked about European politics and stuff (or at least I tried to. I still don't understand the EU :-/).

So here's my dilemma. The site where I met him is primarily a hook-up site (i.e. sex, mostly one night stands). But he seems really nice and I'm not sure if our "relationship" is about sex or friends or more or what. I've never had a boyfriend before so I don't know how this sort of thing works. I'm going back to his place tonight in about 5 hours; he's making us dinner. And I'm probably not going to stay the night because he has work and I have class tomorrow morning, but I still don't know if I should ask him about it or just do what I usually do in any situation and just try to figure it out myself. Or maybe I'm just overthinking this (like I always do) and I should just let things play out. If any of you guys have any advice for me I would really appreciate it. :-/

Sorry!

It's been over 2 months since I last posted something and I'm really sorry about that. I just assumed since it had been a while no one was reading it or still paying attention. Thanks Pilgrim for reminding me that I even had a blog :-P Anyway, I've just been really busy with classes and I haven't had much time to blog. So, what's happened in the past 2 months...?

I joined a club here on campus. Well actually it's a magazine, but it's still an extracurricular, right? It's a student-run science magazine, the first on campus, and we just released our first issue a couple weeks ago. I wrote a little somethin'-somethin', really short, not a big deal, but I'm published now! I'll have to remember to put it up here if any of you guys are interested.

Work study: I got a job, can't remember if it's the same one I had an interview for when I last posted, but I got something at least. :-) It's really good, I work in the RA (resident assistant) office. I just put up flyers and poster in the dorm, take down old ones, check out the communal pool equipment/vacuums, track down people that have had them for a while (that's my favorite, I feel like a bounty hunter). But really most of the time there's nothing to do so I just do homework. It's really nice, I get paid $8.50 an hour to do homework and check Facebook :-D

Umm...what else? Oh! I did end up going to that therapy group. It's been helpful I guess. Idk, I'm not very good with introspection, so I'm not sure if I've "changed" at all. But there's only a couple more sessions left after Thanksgiving, so I'll have to find somewhere else to go to talk about my problems :-P There's free short term therapy on campus though, so I might just do that.

A lot more has happened, but I don't want to make this too long. I'll post about it later. Bye!

Catching up

I realize it's been a while since I last posted, but nothing really exciting has happened. Sure classes have started, but who wants to read about that? (They're ok, by the way. Should be a fun semester). I found a therapy group I might start going to. It's about coming out and that sort of stuff, so I thought it might be helpful. IDK. I have to call the lead therapist guy and talk about if it's the right match for me or if I should go into more one-on-one counciling. *sigh*

I really don't know what to write about. I just don't like not writing something. It's my friend's birthday today (I know, what a crappy day for your birtday. 9/11?) and I don't really know if we're doing anything. I guess it depends on how depressed she's feeling :-/

Anyway, that's about it. I have an interview for a Work Study job at 2. This is like the 7th one I've applied for. Why won't anyone hire me? Am I that undesirable? But I have to find something. I still need to pay for school.

1000 Things, Part 3

Right now I'm probably wondering around downtown Boston with my Mom, waiting to move into the dorms tomorrow. I probably won't be able to get to a computer until Friday, so this will have to do for now. ^_^

101. Go on an Alaskan cruise

102. Receive a PhD

103. Visit the San Diego Zoo

104. Visit the United Nations

105. Attend a session of the US Supreme Court

106. Live abroad

107. Visit Wall Street

108. Learn how the stock market works

109. Walk on the Great Wall of China

110. Write to my congressman

111. Have my picture in the paper

112. See the Aurora Borealas

113. Wade in a public fountain

114. Steal a sign

115. Fly first class

116. Prospect for gold

117. Solve a Rubik's cube

118. Shower under a waterfall

119. Metal detect on the beach

120. Straddle the border between two states

121. Straddle the border between two countries

122. Straddle the border between two continents

123. Stand astride the Four Corners

124. Ride through the Chunnel

125. Ride a Maglev train

126. Learn a magic trick

127. Attend a Stanley Cup Final game

128. Get a fake tan

129. Get a real tan

130. Climb a mountain

131. Stay up all night "painting the town red"

132. Live with an eccentric roommate

133. See a Broadway play on Broadway

134. Stand astride the Prime Meridian

135. Stand astride the equator

136. View Saturn through a telescope

137. Visit Stonehenge

138. Invest in the stock market

139. Throw out my entire wardrobe and buy an new one

140. Spend the night in an aquarium/museum

141. Solve the New York Times Sunday crossword in pen

142. Spend a whole day baking & then give it all away

143. Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge

144. Visit every stop of the London Underground

145. Ride a train across Cambodia

146. Write a letter to the editor & have it published

147. Keep a daily journal for an entire year

148. Have my teeth professionally whitened

149. Find five dollars on the ground

150. Leave a dollar on the ground for someone else to find

Gettin' Ink

I just found out that one of my friends got her fifth tattoo the other day, and if you've read my other posts you'll know that I want to get a tattoo some day too. The only reason I haven't gotten one yet is:

A) I don't have that kind of money right now, being an unemployed college student and all.

B) (Ok, so it's not really an "only reason", it's more like a long list, but whatever) I'm pretty sure my parents would kill me if I did right now.

C) I kind of have this thing about needles. Especially ones that vibrate really fast and pierce my skin hundreds of times.

D) And finally, I'm not really sure of what I want tattooed, or even where.

I know very well that tattoos are "permanent" and that I should htink about what I want and how it will look when I'm 80. But I also know that tattoos can be removed with lasers, so if I end up hating it when I'm 80 I can undo it. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I think I might have some sort of idea of what I want. Three words: Bubble. Chamber. Track.

A bubble chamber is a vessel filled with a superheated transparent liquid (most often liquid hydrogen) used to detect electrically charged particles moving through it. I warned you earlier that this blog will end up being a nerd fest. :-) Physics is what I love, especially partivle physics. And if you're supposed to get a tattoo of what you love than this makes sense, right? Plus, it's just lines, which shouldn't be too hard/painful, right? Really, I was inspired by this fourth photo, which I think is on someone's arm, but I'm not sure. I was thinking of getting this on my calf, but I can't decide on which one to get.

The first picture is very simple, just a few lines, nothing too complicated. The second picture has a few more lines, and I really like the circles. I'm pretty sure the tattoo is/is very similar too the third picture I have up here. It's very intricate with lots of lines and curves.

What do you guys think?

Countdown

I move back into the dorms next week. Seven more days. One more week & then I'm officially back in Boston. Only five more days until we leave. It's a 16 hour drive. Ew. I'm not excited for that, but it will be worth it. I'll be back in Boston. Back where I belong. Back where I feel like I belong. Don't get me wrong, I love Waukegan (despite it's many flaws), & I'm completely in love with Chicago, but there's just something about Boston. I can't explain it, but being there just feels right. And being here, in Kentucky, just feels wrong. Very wrong. I don't belong here. I don't want to be here. I don't like it here.

965 miles, 5 days, & a 16 hour drive are all that stand between me & Beantown. I can't wait to get back to college.

I realize this doesn't really make any sense, but I'm just really anxious to get back.

1000 Things, Part 2

I haven't really been motivated to write anything this week. Nothing really has happened, so I'll just resort back to my 1000 Things list. That's pretty much why I decided to post it in the first place, as a back up. Just so there's not several weeks of silence. It's all for you guys :-)

051. Get banned from a store

052. Pretend I'm blind in the mall

053. Learn Ebonics

054. Have my socks knocked off

055. Fill a briefcase with money

056. Find the soundtrack to my life

057. Create a new breakfast cereal

058. Visit every continent

059. Spend the night in a castle

060. Fill a room with playpen balls

061. Attend a physics seminar

062. Buy my own telescope

063. Discover a new star

064. View a meteor shower

065. View a solar eclipse

066. Use a big word inappropriately in a conversation

067. Go to McDonald's without pants

068. Have a conversation with myself on the bus/train

069. Start my own micronation

070. Be in a TV audience

071. Climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower

072. Buy something disgustingly extravagant for myself

073. Have a wonderful day in the neighborhood

074. Buy something for sale on TV

075. Learn to speak Korean

076. Learn to speak Italian

077. Learn to speak Romanian

078. Learn to speak Dutch

079. Learn to speak Hebrew

080. Learn to speak Swedish

081. Learn to speak Latin

082. Learn to speak Greek

083. Have a conversation in French & understand it

084. Attend an Olympic Games

085. Watch the launch of a space shuttle/rocket

086. Send a message in a bottle

087. Visit the Senate & House of Representatives

088. See how Congress really works

089. Learn to ballroom dance

090. Have a picnic in Central Park

091. Sit on a jury

092. Ride the Trans-Siberian Express across Asia

093. Watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade in person

094. Stay at a youth hostel

095. Attend a stargazing party

096. Experience weightlessness

097. Learn to SCUBA dive

098. Stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon

099. Contemplate a work of art in the Louvre

100. Visit all 50 states

All in the Family

It's been a busy couple of days for me here, there were a few family functions I had to go to. Well, I went willingly (enough), but still...

Yesterday my Mom & Dad & I went to my Aunt Helen's for lunch with some other family members. She's not really my aunt, but she's my Dad's aunt. I think. She might be his great-aunt. I don't really know. I get confused about his side of the family. There's too many people to remember. But anyway, that was fun. Nothing too special. Just a lot of talking, my parents bragging about me (because I'm something to brag about :-D), and telling everyone how school is going.

Today was my brother's graduation for boot camp. He was stationed in Fort Knox, the one with the big gold depository, and that's about an hour & a half away. It took us almost three hours to get there. We were about half an hour out when my parents realized we forgot the letter they sent us with a map of the base. They thought it was the invitation & that it was required to get in, so we had to turn around. Turns out we didn't need the letter and we almost missed the entire ceremony because of it. Meh. I don't really approve of my brother's lifestyle choice anyway. Haha, fancy someone like me saying something like that! Yeah, I'm not a big fan of the military, especially since, in my opinion, he only joined the Army because he likes to shoot things.

I really just don't like guns. Period. I found an old pistol on my Dad's night stand the other day and I freaked out. My Mom said it didn't work & that it wasn't even loaded, so she started to wave it around like an idiot. Turns out it was loaded, and & only one barrel doesn't work. OMG. I could have been shot by my own mother. Yeah, I wasn't too happy about that.

1000 Things

For the past couple of months I've been trying to write a list of 1000 things I would like to do before I die, a "bucket list" if you will. No, I was not inspired by the movie, starring Jack Nicholson & Morgan Freeman. I haven't even seen that movie. It actually all started a few years ago, when I was a Junior in High School. My friend Kathy & I had each made a list of things we wanted to do, mostly nonsensical things, like "take over the world", "become a pop star", "build a house out of chocolate." Anyway, I got a new Moleskine a couple months ago & decided to start over with a new, more realistic list. The original was about 130 items, but I decided to be a little daring & shoot for 1000, which is a task that deserves to be on the list itself. After three months I'm at 465, & I've decided to share it with you. Also so I can have a digital copy. Just in case. I'm not going to put all 465 items on here now, but I'll try to put 50 or so every week or just randomly. Feel free to tell me how stupid some things are. Feel free to suggest new things. Just feel free to say anything.

001. Go on a roadtrip

002. Hug a tree

003. Learn to ride a horse

004. Visit CERN

005. Get glasses

006. Learn to fence

007. Go to Canada

008. Find a dollar in my pocket

009. Collect $1000 in change

010. Solve a murder mystery

011. Attend a SciFi convention

012. Learn to fly a plane

013. Eat french toast in France

014. Get a theme song for myself

015. Build a giant snow castle

016. Start a rumor about myself

017. Learn to read lips

018. Do a crazy hippie dance in a park

019. Start a chain letter

020. Run for an elected office

021. Adopt a small child

022. Get my ears pierced

023. Throw myself a surprise party

024. Attend a rave

025. Write a book

026. Get a tattoo

027. Find Waldo

028. Meet a Sherpa

029. Join the Peace Corps

030. Get an awesome nickname

031. Spend a month in Europe

032. Declare myself "King of the Penguins"

033. Receive an obnoxiously large balloon for my birthday

034. Thump a Bible

035. Get a posse

036. Pet a llama

037. Find my evil twin

038. Get lost in the woods

039. Work on a particle accelerator

040. Attend the Glastonbury Festival

041. Go to a circus

042. Meet a Nazi

043. Legally change my name

044. Build a better mouse trap

045. Join a protest

046. Be an extra in a film

047. Learn calligraphy

048. Start a cult

049. Be interesting enough to have a blog

050. Start & maintain a blog for at least one year

Well, there you have it. The first 50 items on my list. One of the reasons I started this blog is to get myself out there & show people who I am, & what better way to get to know someone than to discover their dreams & aspirations, no matter how trivial.

Religiosity

OK, apparently my last post was a little too boring for people, so I'll try to avoid that. I was just curious as to what your opinions are. Thank you to Sam though for explaining things to me & giving me a more international perspective.

I pretended to be sick to get out of going to church today. We just moved into the Bible Belt & my parents want to try going back to church & become more practicing Christians. Now I grew up in Christian home (not fanatical, Bible-thumping Christian, but Christian nonetheless) but I've sort of grown out of it. I'm not too sure why. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe it's just me rebelling. Maybe it has something to do with a traumatic event I associated with church (& there are a few I can think of right off the top of my head). Either way, I'm not too into the idea of going to church.

I'm not sure right now if I'm Christian or Agnostic or what, but I do know I'm not Atheist. I'd like to believe that even if I can't personally know the truth, that there is some hope of there being some higher purpose to my life. Atheism just seems too depressing & hopeless for me. And in my mind, religion is more about hope than anything else. Hope for a purpose. Hope for a better life. Hope for meaning. Atheism is just too absolute for me. "There is no God." And I know you can't "prove" that God exists, but you can't disprove his existence either. Anyway, I'm starting to confuse myself now.

I know there are some conflicts between Christianity & homosexuality (sin, burning in hell, etc). I personally don't see how the two can be mutually exclusive though. Sure, it might me a sin, but doesn't God forgive all sins? What makes homosexuality so different? What makes homosexuality unfogivable? And how can you say God loves everyone unconditionally, but then turn around & say he hates homosexuals? I know the Bible says to condemn sodomites to death, but it also says you can sell your daughter into slavery, not to work on the Sabbath, & to avoid pork. If the Bible is God's Holy Word, can you really pick & choose parts that only serve your own purpose?

Sorry, that turned into more of a rant than an explanation of what I believe. Oops.

Evils of Universal Health Care?

As many (ie all four) of you may or may not know, there's a big debate raging on here in the States about Health Care Reform. I try to stay informed on all major national & world news, but I must admit that I don't know as much about this issue as I should, or at least as much as I would like. My dad was watching Fox News & tried to pull me into a discussion about evil, socialist Obama's plot to kill all the senior citizens. I had to stop myself a few times from just snapping & calling him out as the xenophobic, pusillanimous, right-wing lemming that he is. And I say that in the most endearing way possible.

Anyway, his whole argument was that a government funded health care program would way the benefits of providing care to the elderly against the costs, & then drop their coverage & convince them to "die with dignity" if the costs are too high. Another one of his favorite arguments is that the proposed health care system is identical to the Canadian publically-funded health care system, which in his/Fox News' mind is one of the worst in the world. I don't know much about the Canadian health care system, but I'm pretty sure it's not that bad.

So I decided to do some research into the issue on my onw. I've tried to watch the news lately, but it's just too partisan for my tastes. And the only thing they're showing is a few people getting upset at the town hall meetings. So I went to my research tool of choice: Wikipedia. I just want a basic understanding, not a Masters degree in American Health Care, & Wikipedia's good for that. Anyway, from what I can tell, Obama is trying to do the opposite of what my dad think's he's doing. Instead of trying to "kill of the elderly", the reform is trying to prevent health insurance agencies from dropping people's coverage due to high costs or sudden & severe illness.

I also looked a little into the Canadian health care system & it doesn't seem like that bad of a plan to me. But then again, Wikipedia can only take me so far. For anyone reading this, I know it's not the most interesting thing I can post about, but if you've read this far & you know more about this than me, could you please explain it? Whether you know more about the proposed US health care reform, or you're from a country with universal health care, I'd just love it if you could share your knowledge. And I promise, I'll try to be a lot less boring next time :-D

Nerd Fest

Review: Waves & the wave equation, superposition, wave packets, interference, diffraction, Maxwell's equations, light as an electromagnetic wave; Relativity: Classical notions of relativity, Michelson-Morley experiment, postulates of special relativity, Lorentz transformations, Minkowski space, spacetime diagrams, relativistic energy & momentum, invariant mass & invariant lengths, energy-mass conversion & binding energy, relativistic collisions; "Old" Quantum Mechanics: Quantization of electric charge & discovery of the electron, blackbody radiation, Rayleigh-Jeans law & the “UV catastrophe”, Planck’s theory of quantized radiation, photoelectric effect, X-ray physics & the Compton effect, atomic spectra, Rutherford’s experiment, the Bohr model of the atom, the Franck-Hertz experiment; "New" Quantum Mechanics: De Broglie’s hypothesis, probabilistic interpretation of the wave function, Schrodinger equation in 1D, expectation values & operators, simple systems in 1D (square well, harmonic oscillator, barriers & tunneling), Schrodinger equation in 3D, hydrogen atom solutions, intrinsic angular momentum, the Stern-Gerlach experiment, total angular momentum; Atomic & Molecular Systems: Quantum mechanics of multiple particles, the periodic table, chemical bonds, atomic transitions (absorption & scattering), stimulated emission; Nuclear Systems: Basic properties of nuclei, nuclear stability & decay, nuclear reactions, fission & nuclear energy, fusion (i.e. how the sun shines), radioactive dating, nuclear magnetic resonance & imaging; Elementary Particles & Fundamental Interactions: Antiparticles & experimental evidence for their existence, the “Standard Model” of particle physics, symmetries & conservation laws, the quark model, experimental evidence for the Standard Model; Cosmology: Introduction to general relativity, the Big Bang cosmological model, experimental evidence for the Big Bang model

Have I lost you yet? I just got the syllabus for one of my classes in the fall, Modern Physics, & it made me totally excited for classes to start up again. :-) I know, I'm a huge nerd, but this is my passion. This is my element. I'm getting excited just thinking about it. Anyway, nothing too excited for you guys I guess, but I thought I'd share my excitement.

I bought the textbook for the class, too, I found it on Amazon.com for $5! And it has a $200 list price! I got it ridic cheap. :-) But then I also just spent $150 on my Linear Algebra book too, &I still have 3 more classes I need books for. Why are textbooks so expensive? Are they made with some sort of precious metal?

Sorry there's not much else to write about. I'm a little busy with things. :-P

Suspension of Disbelief

I downloaded Skins Series 3 today. BitTorrent is my best friend! I watched all 10 episodes, & while I do prefer the original cast I do enjoy the new cast quite a lot. I'd have to say JJ is my favorite so far. I kind of have a thing for the outcasts, the "unusual" ones, the lonely, misunderstood types. Plus he's kind of cute :-). I actually cried during his episode, number 7. Like I said, I have a weakness for his sort of character. Probably because I can relate to him somewhat. Well, other than the frantic lusting after girls. I'm a little sad that's it's over now. I get so emotionally invested in movies & TV shows (especially when I watch them a who season/series at a time) that I get a little depressed when finished. It's the same with books too. I guess I just like to escape, to let myself drift into some fantasy world that the author, writer, director has created. "Suspension of disbelief" I believe Samuel Taylor Coleridge called it (Haha, yeah. I knew the phrase, but I will admit I looked it up on Wikipedia & got his name :-P Cheeky me!). Although, I supose it's really more a case of escapism if I'm being honest, which I'm trying to be. It's not that my life is really shit, I know it isn't. I know my life could be a lot worse &that other peoples' lives are worse & that I should be grateful for my life. But, I don't know, compared to the world of TV, movies & books my life just doesn't compare. If I tried to make my life into a movie right now I could barely fill a 30-second comercial slot. If I tried to make my life into a book it would be half a page long. I've just always wanted to have a story to tell. I've always wanted to tell my grandchildren (because I'd love to have children one day, but more on that later) "This was my life. This is what I did. There were good times & there were bad times. But it was an adventure, & I'm proud of the life I've lived." I don't know if it's healthy, but I've always tried to make my life more exciting. I've tried to bring some drama into my life. Nothing too serious, but just to spice things up a little. Who knows. I'm probably doing it right now, subconsciously. Trying to make myself more interesting. Anyway, that's what I get for watching 8 hours of Skins in one day.

[Edit]: I just looked at this again & realized it's one very massive paragraph. It's a bit daunting really. Sorry this is so "stream of consciousness", but that's how I write best. My AP English teacher told me so. I'll try to break things up into smaller chunks later & organize my thoughts a bit, but I also want this to be organic & natural. Just think of it as an insight into my mind.

Random-Though-Somewhat-Related Fact: I was voted "Best Writer" my Senior year. It was a load of BS though. My friend was in Senior Editor for the yearbook & she gave us all the ballots with blank spots so we all put our names in for things we were "running" for. I hope High School election fraud isn't a felony. I was also voted "Most Likely to Save the World". As if. More like "Most Likely to Tell the World to Fuck Off".

I'm Popular!

I added a new little hit counter to the page to track how many people are checking out my blog, & I just looked & there were 5 hits! I know that's not much, hardly worth spitting at for some people, but for me that's a lot. I never expected anyone to even look at this & the fact that 5 people know I exist is really exciting for me. Of course, it might be less than 5. I followed all the directions on the site to make sure the counter got an accurate count & even blocked my IP address, but I'm basically rubbish with computers, so who knows. All 5 hits might be from me. :-( Still no comments though. I wish someone would comment. Even if it's just to say "Hi" or "This is shit. Stop blogging". Well, maybe more along the lines of the first one.

So anyway, I've been reading a few blogs & some of the stuff people write about on here is really amazing. I was up last night until 3am (which is kinda late for me, I'm more of a morning person) reading Josh's blog at Always Hard. That kid makes me laugh SOOO hard. The things he writes about are just so honest & straightforward. And some of his antics... Priceless. Well worth the several hours it took me to read his 400 or so posts. Then today I read Landyn's blog at Stuck in the Middle & I just about cried. Sometimes I feel like my life is hard with some of the shit I've had to go through, & I can certainly relate with him in some ways. I grew up in a religious family too (well, I'm still living with them, so I'm still growing up with them I guess) & they sent me to a therapist when they thought I was gay to try to "straighten" me out (not sure if the pun was intended or not, but it's there nonetheless). But Landyn's family takes it to a whole other level. I don't think my parents would ever kick me out of the house, even if they knewe I was gay. The fact that he pushes through all of it & (eventually) see the brighter side of life is really inspiring to me.

But anyway, Landyn & Josh, love your blogs. Can't wait for more. I'll be looking for others to read & hopefully more people will read mine, too.

Are you ok?

I was up til 3am last night reading other blogs for "inspiration". Well, it was just one blog, but it was just so good. The things he writes about are just so honest, he doesn't hold back. And the trouble & mischief he gets into...I almost wish I were as spontaneous & exciting as him. But I'm not, & I'm sure I can be just as interesting as him. Or at least try.

Anyway, usually if I stay up that late I wouldn't be up for another couple of hours but my parents decided to go god knows where & didn't let the dog out. So when he had to go out we was pacing up & down the hall in front of my room & whining. He actually opened my door though. I didn't think dogs could open doors. Though, to be honest, my door is shit. I can lock it, so the handle won't turn, but if you just push on it hard enough it'll open. So really there's no point in locking the door. Luckily my parents aren't clever enough to have worked that out yet, so I still lock it anyway. But I digress. This truly is the "Ramblings of a College Boy", eh?

So anyway, I let the dog out & I really didn't want to, but I didn't want to clean up after him either. That's when my parents came back from whatever they were doing. My dad asked if I was ok & clearly I wasn't because I was still tired & obviously looked like shit (I always look like shit when I wake up. My hair is all over the place, my eyes get all Asian on me & won't open all the way, I kind of slouch...a lot). I was like no, fuck off dad. Well, I didn't say that last part, but I did just kind of sulk off into the house & back into my room.

But anyway, I hate when people ask if you're doing ok or if you're feeling ok. If you just looked at me a little harder you could find out for yourself & then I wouldn't have to talk to you. If I look like shit I'm probably not doing ok. Bastard.

It's still way too early for me go be awake right now. I need a few more hours of sleep, but god knows I won't be able to now. I'll still try though.

Introduction

Let me just say that I don't really know what I'm doing. At all. I sort of feel like I'm diving into the deep end of the world of blogging. I mean, I do have a Twitter & Tumblr account, but I don't think those really compare. So I apologize beforehand if this turns out to be a complete failure or if it becomes hard to read at times.

Anyway, I guess I started this as a way to let all these thoughts that are racing around in my head out. All those thoughts I have all the time but won't let out. All these thoughts I'm too afraid to let people know I have. I know this isn't healthy, keeping all this in. I suppose this is really just a way for me to come out to the world, at least, for now, in an anonymous sense.

I am gay. There. I've said it. It's out there. And while it doesn't totally feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest, the weight is somewhat slightly reduced, because now I can talk about it to someone. I've know for a while now that I liked boys, probably around the age of 11 or 12. I've never told anyone this, but I'm sure some people have their suspicions. I discovered pornography around 13 & would spend hours on the computer looking at naked men. I wasn't very good at covering my tracks, though, & inevitably my parents found out. Their first reaction was to send me to a therapist. I was raised in a Christian home & being good Christians my parents saw homosexuality as a sin. Let me just say that sending me to therapy was probably the last thing I needed at that point. I was already confused about all these feelings I was having, I didn't need a therapist telling me those feelings were wrong & that I should stop having them if I didn't want to wind up in Hell. I think that might have been the single most traumatic experience in the development of the acceptance of who & what I am.

But more on that later. I don't want this blog to only be about me being gay, because I don't think my homosexuality defines me. While it is a part of who I am, it's not all of who I am. There's more to me than that, & I want this blog to be about what makes me myself. Mostly. I also want it to be about my journey towards mustering up the courage to come out to my friends & family. That might sound a bit confused, but that's exactly what I am: confused. This is about me finding myself, my purpose in life & finally being happy.