Let me just say that I don't really know what I'm doing. At all. I sort of feel like I'm diving into the deep end of the world of blogging. I mean, I do have a Twitter & Tumblr account, but I don't think those really compare. So I apologize beforehand if this turns out to be a complete failure or if it becomes hard to read at times.
Anyway, I guess I started this as a way to let all these thoughts that are racing around in my head out. All those thoughts I have all the time but won't let out. All these thoughts I'm too afraid to let people know I have. I know this isn't healthy, keeping all this in. I suppose this is really just a way for me to come out to the world, at least, for now, in an anonymous sense.
I am gay. There. I've said it. It's out there. And while it doesn't totally feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest, the weight is somewhat slightly reduced, because now I can talk about it to someone. I've know for a while now that I liked boys, probably around the age of 11 or 12. I've never told anyone this, but I'm sure some people have their suspicions. I discovered pornography around 13 & would spend hours on the computer looking at naked men. I wasn't very good at covering my tracks, though, & inevitably my parents found out. Their first reaction was to send me to a therapist. I was raised in a Christian home & being good Christians my parents saw homosexuality as a sin. Let me just say that sending me to therapy was probably the last thing I needed at that point. I was already confused about all these feelings I was having, I didn't need a therapist telling me those feelings were wrong & that I should stop having them if I didn't want to wind up in Hell. I think that might have been the single most traumatic experience in the development of the acceptance of who & what I am.
But more on that later. I don't want this blog to only be about me being gay, because I don't think my homosexuality defines me. While it is a part of who I am, it's not all of who I am. There's more to me than that, & I want this blog to be about what makes me myself. Mostly. I also want it to be about my journey towards mustering up the courage to come out to my friends & family. That might sound a bit confused, but that's exactly what I am: confused. This is about me finding myself, my purpose in life & finally being happy.