Religiosity

OK, apparently my last post was a little too boring for people, so I'll try to avoid that. I was just curious as to what your opinions are. Thank you to Sam though for explaining things to me & giving me a more international perspective.

I pretended to be sick to get out of going to church today. We just moved into the Bible Belt & my parents want to try going back to church & become more practicing Christians. Now I grew up in Christian home (not fanatical, Bible-thumping Christian, but Christian nonetheless) but I've sort of grown out of it. I'm not too sure why. Maybe it's a phase. Maybe it's just me rebelling. Maybe it has something to do with a traumatic event I associated with church (& there are a few I can think of right off the top of my head). Either way, I'm not too into the idea of going to church.

I'm not sure right now if I'm Christian or Agnostic or what, but I do know I'm not Atheist. I'd like to believe that even if I can't personally know the truth, that there is some hope of there being some higher purpose to my life. Atheism just seems too depressing & hopeless for me. And in my mind, religion is more about hope than anything else. Hope for a purpose. Hope for a better life. Hope for meaning. Atheism is just too absolute for me. "There is no God." And I know you can't "prove" that God exists, but you can't disprove his existence either. Anyway, I'm starting to confuse myself now.

I know there are some conflicts between Christianity & homosexuality (sin, burning in hell, etc). I personally don't see how the two can be mutually exclusive though. Sure, it might me a sin, but doesn't God forgive all sins? What makes homosexuality so different? What makes homosexuality unfogivable? And how can you say God loves everyone unconditionally, but then turn around & say he hates homosexuals? I know the Bible says to condemn sodomites to death, but it also says you can sell your daughter into slavery, not to work on the Sabbath, & to avoid pork. If the Bible is God's Holy Word, can you really pick & choose parts that only serve your own purpose?

Sorry, that turned into more of a rant than an explanation of what I believe. Oops.

Introduction

Let me just say that I don't really know what I'm doing. At all. I sort of feel like I'm diving into the deep end of the world of blogging. I mean, I do have a Twitter & Tumblr account, but I don't think those really compare. So I apologize beforehand if this turns out to be a complete failure or if it becomes hard to read at times.

Anyway, I guess I started this as a way to let all these thoughts that are racing around in my head out. All those thoughts I have all the time but won't let out. All these thoughts I'm too afraid to let people know I have. I know this isn't healthy, keeping all this in. I suppose this is really just a way for me to come out to the world, at least, for now, in an anonymous sense.

I am gay. There. I've said it. It's out there. And while it doesn't totally feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest, the weight is somewhat slightly reduced, because now I can talk about it to someone. I've know for a while now that I liked boys, probably around the age of 11 or 12. I've never told anyone this, but I'm sure some people have their suspicions. I discovered pornography around 13 & would spend hours on the computer looking at naked men. I wasn't very good at covering my tracks, though, & inevitably my parents found out. Their first reaction was to send me to a therapist. I was raised in a Christian home & being good Christians my parents saw homosexuality as a sin. Let me just say that sending me to therapy was probably the last thing I needed at that point. I was already confused about all these feelings I was having, I didn't need a therapist telling me those feelings were wrong & that I should stop having them if I didn't want to wind up in Hell. I think that might have been the single most traumatic experience in the development of the acceptance of who & what I am.

But more on that later. I don't want this blog to only be about me being gay, because I don't think my homosexuality defines me. While it is a part of who I am, it's not all of who I am. There's more to me than that, & I want this blog to be about what makes me myself. Mostly. I also want it to be about my journey towards mustering up the courage to come out to my friends & family. That might sound a bit confused, but that's exactly what I am: confused. This is about me finding myself, my purpose in life & finally being happy.